


Dark

by JustCallMeGirlFriday



Series: Trying to protect your loved ones [3]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-11-29
Updated: 2012-11-29
Packaged: 2017-11-19 20:47:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/577480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustCallMeGirlFriday/pseuds/JustCallMeGirlFriday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>JJ lost her eyesight. She is now blind and living compeltely in the dark. Will she allow the others in and finally help her overcome her depression or will she allow the depression to finally over come her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prelude

Dark. Always so dark. Why was it always so dark?

Oh yes because I was blind. I could no longer see. You may be asking yourself how I lost my eyesight, well it's a long and dark story. There is that word again – dark. I hate the dark. I used to love it and crave it when I was child, but now it is never ending and I would never see light again. Expect in my minds eyes.

I have to admit that I didn't live in darkness because I lost my eye sight ... no I had started living in the dark when Spencer got captured by Tobias and Tobias had almost killed him. I had started living in the darkness because of my guilt for not being able to protect Spence. I lived in the darkness when I thought back how actual relieved I was to remain behind at the front of the barn when Spencer ran around to the back. I was secretly hoping that Spencer would be the one who would found Tobias first and have him safely tied up by the time I got to him.

But I knew things wouldn't work out that way when I went to the front of the barn and pulled my gun and flashlight. I had to go into the barn and help Spencer capture Tobias, it was a two agents job after all. But the barn was pitch black. Dark. I only had my small flashlight to see into the far corners and I knew than that Tobias wasn't in the barn and neither was Spencer. I wanted to back out, but I had a feeling that I was needed in the barn. So I stayed.

I slowly inched my way forward and than suddenly stopped as I heard the slight splash my shoe made in a puddle. I slowly lowered my flashlight and I saw it, it looked like red was mixed in the mud. I slowly moved my foot back wards and my breath caught in my thoart as I recognized the blood. There was a pool of it at my feet and along the dirt floor. I moved my flashlight slowly – ever slowly until I saw the mattress and I saw the torn up black lacy mater tail swimming in the blood.

I knew I just found our latest victim, the blond woman who had been cheating on her husband. The woman our unsub, whom turned out to be Tobias, had kidnapped after he killed her lover. But wait I hear something. A growl. I slowly turned my flashlight away from the mattress and over to the sound and into the eyes of a huge black dog. I swallow as I realized that Tobias had sent this dog on the woman and he had eaten her whole. But wait what is that another growl to the right and also the left of me? I turn quickly and and see another dog to the right and than to the left of me. All three of them had the blood hungry look as they stare at me.

I was a dead woman if I couldn't think fast. I lifted my gun and pointed and just as the first dog rushed me I pulled the trigger, he went down quickly. I couldn't breath easily yet, I still had two dogs at both sides of me. If I made the wrong move than I wouldn't have another chance. The dogs reached me and I screamed for Spencer as I pulled the trigger. The first dog feel at my feet while the third dog successfully bit into my arm. I felt my skin break and his teeth on my bone. I quickly turned and pointed my gun point blank in his head and pulled the trigger. I felt the dogs blood spray onto the front of my shirt where my breast were located. I quickly backed away to the hay stacks and knelt down with my gun waiting. I knew there would be more.

I suddenly heard feet rush into the barn and I jumped to my feet and swung around pointing my gun and screaming, "Freeze FBI!". I was ready to shoot anything that made its way to me. I heard Morgan's voice trying to reach me and tell me that I was safe that it was him and Prentiss with him. But I didn't believe him because I knew Tobias had trained his dogs to attack anyway they could. It wasn't until I heard Prentiss's firm voice right in my ear that I knew that I was safe. I lowered my gun before I could pull the trigger and shoot Morgan.

I heard myself tell them that Tobias was our unsub and that I had to kill the dogs otherwise they would have killed me. Like how they killed the woman. I heard myself tell them that Spencer went after Tobias and he hadn't come back yet. The next think I knew I was sitting in an open ambulance having my arm being tended to. I felt the needle poke my skin as I heard Morgan and Prentiss talk about how Spencer hasn't been found. That's when the darkness started to engulf me.

I tried to tell Morgan in Tobias's kitchen how I felt, but he quickly told me that he didn't want to hear it. That I had to work it out for myself. I knew that he was deeply worried about Spencer and that it hadn't been the right time to get someone, anyone to admit that they blamed me for Spence's torture. I should have waited until Spencer was safely back in our arms. But I couldn't. I needed the vocal guilt trip along side my own private one. Afterward he has come to me and apologized for his behavior during that time ... I told him that I understood and there wasn't anything to forgive. I saw the relief in his eyes and he quickly returned to his work.

I wasn't the only one living in the dark because of Tobias, Spencer lived there also. But I hid my darkness better than he had. The team never suspected that I was suffering just much as Spencer. I wouldn't allow them to see. Spencer needed help more than I did. But I knew that Hotch, Prentiss and Garcia truly knew that I was in the dark more than the light. But none of them have come to me and asked me if they could help me leave the darkness. Even if they had I would have pushed them away. I didn't need or want them.

Spencer was finally on the world of recovery and I could see he was embracing the light more and more every day and I was happy for him. My Spence would be fine and he would become stronger from his ordeal. He began to notice me once more and I could tell that he noticed that I didn't smile at him as much as I used too. That I didn't try to ruffle his hair as much. I still stood by him after I ratted off the case information, and I would still willing go with him when we split off into teams. But he knew that I was different. But he didn't reach out to me. But I still felt his concern. But I wasn't ready to accept it. I'm still not ready too.

I, Jennifer Jareau lived in the darkness of depression and now my eye sight had been taken from me. I will never see the light ever again. I don't know if I should be thankful or curse the unsub whom had done this too me.

I told you how I lost my inner light and now let me tell you how I lost my outer light. My eyes. How I came to see Tobias's face more clearly now that I was blind than I have ever done before.


	2. JJ Getting Ready For Work

It started like a typical day. My alarm made the loud annoying buzzing noise that so rudely woke me up. I of course barely had any sleep the night before. I didn't sleep much any longer, not since Spencer and Tobias. But I did manage to sleep enough to hide how truly tired I was. So the team wouldn't question me. But I had the nightmare once more – the nightmare that had been with me every night since I learned that Spencer was taken. Tobias blaming me for allowing him to take Spencer – when Tobias wanted me.

I have to admit that Tobias doesn't stay with me for long. I do have good dreams, but they always turn dark once Tobias arrives. I sigh as I push the blankets off my body and I got out of bed. I walk towards the bathroom where I turn the tab on as hot as I could stand it. I was chilled after this last night mare of Tobias. He had remained the longest. It seemed that once my good feelings appeared than Tobias quickly came and he wouldn't let me go. I step underneath the water and just stood there allowing the water to run down my cold body, it was several minutes before my hand went to the tab and turned it to warm so that I could finish cleaning myself.

I stepped from the shower and walked over to my counter and grabbed a towel and wiped away from the smog and I saw how truly pink my skin was from the burning water. Thankfully the pinkish will have disappeared by the time I arrived at the office. I just stare into the mirror as I try to bring some life back into my eyes, so today wasn't the day that the team would guess my secret.

I grabbed the big fluffy towel from behind the door and began to towel off the wetness, it was time that I got dressed so I could go and tell my team their newest case. It was time to make sure that Spencer was safe. I walk back into my bedroom and drop my towel on my floor over at my wardrobe and I grabbed a clean pair of black lacy panties. I slipped them on and I pulled out the matching lacy bra and slipped it on. I turned and walked to my closet and pulled the door sideways and looked at my clothes that were neatly arranged. Darks to the lights. I was annal like that. I liked to have my clothes freshly pressed and I just didn't have enough time in my life to always go to the cleaners to have them done. So I make sure that my closet was arranged neatly arranged with just the right amount of outfits that I needed for a month. I reached in and grabbed a pair of dark gray slacks and took them off the hanger and slipped them on. I left the button and zipper undone as I grabbed my long sleeved brown silk shirt and slipped it on. I slide the door closed and turned around to face my wardrobe once more as I slowly began to button up my shirt.

I stopped button halfway up and started to tuck my shirt into the slacks, zipped up the zipper and button the button. I reached my wardrobe and pulled open the middle draw and pulled out a brown belt and brought it through the proper loops and buckled it at my waist. I walk over to my mirror and finished buttoning my shirt. I sigh deeply in the mirror as I sat down and began to comb out my hair. I should have done this before I put my shirt on. Oh well it's too late now.

This should have been the first warning to myself that I wasn't fully on my game that day. But I was too tired from the lack of sleep and I was too far gone in my depression that I didn't take note. Even if I had, I would have just shrugged it off and went and made a huge cup of coffee to drink on the way to the office. I couldn't let my team down. I couldn't let Spencer down. Not ever again. But like I said I didn't notice. I should have. It may have prevented what was to come my way.

I continued to brush my hair until I felt all the tangles were out. I stood to my feet and walked into the bathroom and plugged in my hair dryer and turned it on full blast. I could dry my hair in my sleep so I didn't have to think of when to bring the hair dryer to the next part that needed attention. My thoughts were on the case that I would present to the team that morning. I had finally made up my mind on which case to give to the team late at night. I wanted to call everyone and get the meeting over with and get on our way; but than I realized that each team member had looked forward to having the night to themselves. So I put off the meeting until this morning. No one needed to know this one fact.

I turned off the hair dryer and began to comb my hair once more pulling it into a tight pony tail. I quickly did my make up making sure that I used enough fountain to cover the blue and black underneath my eyes, but not too much to alert the team. I doubt the men would notice right away but I knew Emily would. She was a woman after all and she knew all the tricks. But so far I have been able to fool her along with the rest of the team.

I doubled checked and managed to cover the worn out winkles and crows feet also. I stood back and walked back into my bed room and walked over to my closet once more and pulled aside the door and leaned down and grabbed the right shoes. I slipped them on and than walked over to where my full length mirror stood. I took full inventory of myself and saw what I intended the world too see Special Agent Jennifer Jaurea beautiful blue eyed blond. Late twenties and extremely put together. Not one hair out of place and not one false move in the makeup area. I smiled and wasn't happy with the smile on my face. I sighed as I smiled once more and still was satisfied. I tried once more and smiled and was relieved that I had the smile that I let the rest of the world see. The smile didn't reach my eyes but I was too depressed to notice, otherwise I would have realized that I wasn't fooling anyone. That this was a hint that may have prevented what was to come my way also. But like I said I wasn't aware of any change in myself expect for the lack of sleep and the depression. I thought I was fooling the world and my team. My family.

How wrong I was.

I turned and left my bedroom and went into the kitchen and grabbed a mug and poured from the coffee pot that had made the fresh coffee this morning. I have always pre set my coffee table – ever since junior year of high school. It was much easier and much quicker that way. I grabbed my purse and keys and left my home.

I should have stayed home. I should have called in sick and allowed another agent to go with the team on this case. Yeah should have, would have, could have. You can't play that game. Not in my business.


	3. Lost In Deep Thoughts

I pushed open the huge glass see through door of the bull pen of the BAU ... I could see most of the members of my team – my family hard at work at their desks. There was Morgan deep in thought on the file that had to be done that day. Before he could concentrate on the new case. I knew that he would have it done before the meeting in two hours. There was Emily sitting straight up as only a ambassador's daughter could working on her own file. I couldn't help but wish that it was Elle whom was still sitting at that desk. I loved Emily as my own sister, but I still missed Elle.

Than I turned my eyes onto Spencer's head. His head was down and his hair was hanging in front of his face. I smiled as I saw how intent he was staring at the puzzle in front of him. He had all ready written his report - he had it finished just before we got off the plane. He always did. -- Expect when the case hit home with him. I wanted to go over to him and gently push his hair out of his eyes, he needed it cut. It was much longer than it usually was. But in a odd way his hair length fit him. It normally bugged me seeing long hair on men. Expect if it was tied back or in a braid. But Spencer could pull it off. So I knew that I would not suggest a trim. At least not for a while. I'll let Spencer enjoy his new hair style and let him make up his own mind.

Spencer looked up suddenly and straight into my eyes. He didn't smile – he just stared at me. In a calm and knowing fashion. Telling me that I couldn't fool him. I lifted my head up and stared right back at him. Well Spencer Reid may know the truth about me and my ever lasting guilt over what happened to him and Tobias. He may even know how truly in depression I was in. But no way in hell did he suspect or even dream that I was in love with him.

Yes that is right – I, Jennifer Jareau am in love with Spencer Reid. A man who is four years younger than me. A man who is a genius but has no idea how to dress as a twenty six year old man should. A man who still doesn't have the social graces that a grown twenty six year old man should. A man who never really had a childhood because his mind was so far ahead of a child and his mother was suffering from mental illness.

I had every chance of keeping our relationship as friendship. I knew of his crush on me – saw it his first day at the BAU. I was still too engrossed in making a name for myself and proving to Hotchner that I was able to be the press liaison for the team. I had only been with the team for four months myself. So when I saw this geeky young man with a puppy dogs eyes in front of me – I felt sorry for him. I had heard about Doctor Spencer Reid from Gideon and knew that he was a genius and that he was as innocent as they came. Gideon told Hotch, Morgan, Garcia and I about Spencer's childhood. Gideon told us that Spencer never had any opportunities that you through growing up. No real friends to speak of his own age, no past relationships. Spencer had never gone on a single date in his life. How could he when the girls his ages couldn't accept him being a genius and the the girls his minds age were several years older than he was.

I knew that I liked him all ready, Gideon had shown us his picture so we would recognize him the moment we saw him. I felt my heart open to this poor lost kid lost in a adult man's body. I promised myself to take him under my wing. To show him that he could still have a childhood although his body has fully grown to man hood. Everyone called him Reid, but I called him Spencer. I saw how his eyes lit up and I knew than that I was never going to call him Reid. After the first month I started to call him Spence. His eyes simply glistened and he ducked his head quickly. I made sure to bake him a cake for his twenty fourth birthday and make sure he wore the party hat.

Poor Spence, he didn't know what to do with it. I could tell that he desperately wanted to take the ridiculous hat off. He even went over to Hotch and Gideon and asked if he could take it off. I knew from looking over at them that they smiled and said no. I was glad. I didn't want to embarrass Spencer – well not much. But I wanted to make up for the birthdays that he never got to experience. That was why I used the trick candles. Poor Spencer. But he put up with it and looked at me with thankfulness and I knew that he truly did love the surprise party.

Gideon gave him tickets to the Redskins game and told him to ask me out. Spencer was so awkward when he sat down next to me and asked me to the game. I loved the Redskins so I said yes. I knew that the tickets and the date idea was from Gideon but I never told Spence. I never would. I knew that Gideon figured that I would be a safe first date for Spencer. Expect I broke Spencer's heart.

I knew that Spencer had fallen for me – everyone thought it was just a crush. But I saw his heart after the game when I told him that I just wanted to remain friends with him. Spencer couldn't hide his emotions back than. Not like he could now. But truth be known I had fallen for Spencer Reid – I had the moment I was face to face with him the first time. But I hidden those emotions deep inside and knew that Spencer truly wasn't ready for love.

Spencer came to work the following day after the game as if nothing truly happened. Even through Morgan tried to get answers Spencer never gave them. He put on the show for everyone that he accepted that I wouldn't feel romantically towards him. He hid it well from Morgan and Garcia. But not from myself, Hotch, Gideon or Elle. Even Emily knew the truth when she first arrived. But they didn't know how I truly felt. I left it that way and put on my mask for everyone to read. Friendship I simply screamed.

It worked for a while until Garcia made a comment one night when we were both assigned to her office. I knew than that Garcia truly knew my heart. It had bonded me towards her more than ever before. I knew that she would keep my feelings under wraps and she won't try to push Spencer and I together. She knew the score.

I was able to love Spencer afar and still be able to "mother" him as much as I wanted without fear that he would know that I was in love with him. Until Tobias. Tobias changed everything for me. I couldn't believe that I had been so naïve and stupid enough to allow Spencer to rush around the barn; I couldn't believe that I was stupid enough not to follow after him. The first thing they teach you in FBI school is never ever split up with your partner at unsubs home. Stay Together. But I knew Spencer would either come right back to me or call for my assistance. So I remained at the front of the barn. I waited for five minutes before I decided to go into the barn. Five minutes that I could have just ran after Spencer. Five minutes that made all the difference in the world for Spencer.

I simply stared at the video scene as Tobias beat Spencer. I couldn't believe that my beloved Spencer was going through this horrific tragedy. A tragedy that I truly knew was meant for me. I had more sins in me than Spencer did. I was the logical choice and I knew that if Spencer hadn't gone in the corn field ... than Tobias would have rounded back and got me. If I had remained alive from the three murderous mad dogs that is.

How could I live with myself knowing that? How could I live with myself knowing that Spencer was going through hell in my place? But I knew that I had to remain alive to rescue Spencer – to remain alive for Spencer to blame me for what had happened to him. But he never blamed me – he said he was sorry for splitting up with me. For allowing the dogs to attack me.

I became even more protective and obsessive over Spencer than before. I would never allow my eyes to leave his even while I looked at the rest of the team during the briefing of cases. I always made sure to let Hotch know with my eyes that I was too be with Spencer out in the field. I would follow him home after work and made sure he got home safely. My heart would drop whenever Hotch would deny me access to Spence.

But than I met Will. I was bemused that he didn't realize a woman came onto him when he was actually at the bar with me. We weren't on a actual date – no we were talking about his father and the case that we were working on together. But something about him reminded me about Spencer. Will was capable of handing an adult relationship so that's why I gave him my card with my personal number.

A few weeks went by and he called and I decided that I was ready to try a new relationship. Spencer seemed to be finally healing from his ordeal and Hotch and Gideon were eying me like they knew that I loved him. So to protect Spencer I allowed myself to become distracted by Will. I had successfully kept our relationship quiet from the team for four months. Until Mimi. Than it all came out. Will wanted to transfer to Virginia to be closer to me. We had a fight and I broke things off with him. But than Emily came to me and said that we made a cute couple.

I ran after him and told him that the reasons I gave him to end things with him didn't matter. And I pulled him into a deep kiss. When the kiss ended and I simply was hugging Will, I could see Spencer behind him. I saw the heartbreak in his eyes before he turned and walked quickly away. I tried to erases Spencer's eyes from my mind that night as I made love with Will. But I didn't see Will, I saw Spencer. I knew than that I wasn't being fair to Will. So I ended things with him. I told him that I would never love him enough to want to marry him. That he deserved a woman who would love him and only him. I left the hotel room and went back to the room I shared with Emily.

Everyone still thinks I'm still with Will, I am allowing them to think this. I don't want Spencer to think otherwise. I don't want him to think he still had a chance with me. How could he when I'm damage goods? When I'm no good for him?

"JJ ..." I blinked in surprise as I saw Hotch standing in front of me.

"Sir," I said with a slight cough to clear the cob webs from my mouth. I had some how walked up to my office without noticing. I was sitting at my desk staring at my far wall.

"It's time for the meeting," Hotch said with a nod towards the open door. I had left the door opened. Which was a normal occasion. I would only close my door if I was truly wrapped up in a hard case. I liked to look out and hear the bull pen. I liked to look down at Spencer's desk.

"Of course," I said grabbing the files that I needed. I followed Hotch out of my office and down the hall to the conference room. He stepped aside and allowed me to pass him. I looked at the table and saw my team – my family, minus Garcia all ready sitting in their normal places.

I walked to the front and got the remote and flicked it to the first slide. I quickly rattled off the case and we all agreed that we would take off in an hours time. I should have remained back at the office.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story takes place after "Heat". And no JJ won't be pregnant with Will's child in this story.


End file.
